Don't Just
by RhiannonNymph
Summary: Angels didn’t just fall; they had to make that choice. A/N - started writing before last night's ep. 'On the Head of a Pin', but mixed info from the ep into it. So, maybe some spoilers.


**DISCLAIMER: **Still don't own anything. Still reeling from last night's episode.

**SPOILERS: **Uh, I don't know. Kind of some for last nights 'On the Head of Pin'. But I've been practicing my Castiel, and I think I'm vague enough. But be forewarned.

Anyhow. It's a debate between my friends and I about when/if Cas will fall. A few say by the end of this season. I, of course, said no. If it happens it'll be mid to late season five. That we hadn't really seen him tempted, all we knew was he had questions. Then Kripke airs "On the Head of A Pin" and now I don't know. I'd like to see it, but I don't want him to… anywhooo, enjoy.

Also, sorry if it's a bit choppy. I wrote it in bits, and not at all in order and then fit it all together. :) But Misha said it best, "You don't know how Castiel thinks." I'm just doing my best. :)

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**DON'T JUST**

Angels didn't just fall; they had to make that choice.

Even Lucifer didn't just wake up in Hell one day. Lucifer fell from jealousy. He saw the humans, and he hated them. They had more than the Angels. Options, doubts…freedom. He saw and he wanted and one day he went for it.

He gathered like-minded brothers and sisters and made his opinion known. He was the first, not the last.

Castiel was tempted. He was sorely tempted.

He shook his head in thought. The younger Winchester was supposedly a threat, a thing to be watched and worried over. The boy had power, power like Castiel had never before seen in a mortal - and it had scared him.

Scared him more than the power drawing him to Dean. Because he couldn't foresee himself ever leaving his side. He wanted to be there as a shoulder, a punching bag and a helping hand. He wanted to be there for his charge in any way he may be needed. And that was where his problem had started, because now he'd been accused of caring to deeply, of loving him. Perhaps he'd gripped Dean to tightly, held him too closely as they fled Hell. Because it was truth.

He remembered the feel of Dean's fingers, slick with blood, curling into his flesh. Holding tight. It brought from him a devotion he had never felt towards a mortal man, and he'd known then that Dean was singularly spectacular.

For more than a month he and his siblings had waged war, waiting to see, to touch, and to take this man. Castiel had been blessed enough to make it to him. To touch him, and that was all that had been needed. They'd been too late, of course, and Castiel had feared the soul was too damaged to undo what it had started. But he wouldn't give up hope. He'd had faith in his Father's people. He'd had faith in his Father's plan.

But Uriel had experienced doubt, and it had consumed him. So he'd tested, and he'd taken and he'd played at knowing what was coming. His lack of punishment had cemented his betrayal.

On his knees before his brother, bloody and beaten, Castiel was surprised not to have fallen at that exact moment. It was suffocating to watch the only things he knew crumble before his eyes. His brother, his friend, his killer. It would be easier, he knew, to make the choice. To choose freedom, to do as he wished. He could protect Dean, protect Samuel. He could settle them and save them. He had only to choose.

And he wanted to. He really, truly wanted to. Anna had, and she was still the graceful Being he had known her as. But there was more to her now. Layers. He wanted that. He wanted to experience the things Father hadn't allowed. At that moment, he had wanted to fall.

Not to join Uriel, never to join Uriel, he could still tell right from wrong; but just to escape the sheer exhaustion of knowing how much he didn't know. Didn't understand. Uriel's words bit at him. He felt the sting of never having seen his Father, and he felt un-trusted. He wanted, so badly he wanted to forget. To shed the struggle and leave the others to it; to take up human form and walk unknowingly. Blissfully.

Only one thing saved his Grace, and it pained him to know his faith alone was not enough. It was Dean Winchester. Never could he do such a thing to Dean Winchester. To leave him alone, scared and scarred. Though Samuel, he was certainly protection enough. The boy with demon blood had rescued him after all, and he had watched in awe from the ground.

No, Castiel, should he gave in, would fall from love. He'd watched the humans, and he loved them. He saw the good in them hiding the corners, making itself known by the little gestures. There was truth to the things Lucifer has said all those millennia ago. They had been given more, been treated fairer, had been favored. Castiel couldn't begrudge them any of it though, it made their existence harder.

He liked knowing. He liked his faith. He liked the people of his Father.

But he knew, if he ever fell, it would be because of Dean Winchester.

Dean, who could save him and damn him at once.

Because Dean Winchester was a human like he'd never seen before. Father had given this human almost nothing. A mother, a father, a brother. Family was all that had been allowed the man. And slowly Father had let the family be taken.

But Dean, he was…Castiel didn't know the words to describe the constant wonder Dean presented.

He glanced down to the sleeping man laced with tubes, hooked up to machines. Dean had a sadness about him that greater than Castiel. Dean hadn't even a place to fall. Fate had trapped him, twisted him, abused him and there was still so much he had to do.

Castiel could not afford to fall. Not yet.

"What a pair we make, huh, Cas?"

He hadn't seen the hazel eyes slide open, "I don't understand." Really, humans had a habit of beginning conversations somewhere in the middle. A habit he himself had picked up, so he had no right to complain.

"The two of us," he huffed out a broken laugh, "with our Daddy issues."

But it had bolstered Castiel, to hear Dean call God his Father.

There was hope for them yet.

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I think I may do a version where he does choose to fall, but I don't know. Read and review, they make the world go round...that and gravity.

Thanks!!!!


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